Fragments from a Shattered Image

Fragment 3

Many times during her journey to Hastinapura, Satya wondered if she was in a dream. She, Satya was going to be queen of Hastinapura! It had to be a dream.

Devavrata rode alongside the chariot. She wondered about him. The oath he had taken, to remain celibate for ever, never to know a woman, to have a child… What sort of a man makes an oath like that? She was awed by him. He called her Mother but it seemed to her as if she should be bowing to him.

He seemed not aware of the magnitude of the sacrifice he had made. How could he! He was young yet. And still, he had made it with a smile. But from the resolution implicit in his jaw and the steely glint of his eyes, Satya knew he was never going to retract it.

Does he hate me? She wondered. The thought oppressed her. One couldn’t really blame him if he did. But it would still be unfair, thought she. She had had no role in what happened. She was only an instrument.

She resolved that from henceforth, she would not be a passive spectator to life. She had allowed Parasara to take advantage of her out of fear. She had allowed her father to make her into a bargaining chip out of obedience. And in so doing, she had deprived Hastinapura of a good King. Now, it was her duty to see that the Kingdom did not suffer for it. No matter what happens, she thought, I will always put the interests of my Kingdom before anything else. It was the least she could do for Devavrata who had chosen to make this sacrifice.

She sat up straight. She was going to be married. She might not be excited about it, but she was going to try to be happy. And she was going to make sure that neither her husband nor her step son was ever going to have any reason to regret the oath that her father had caused Devavrata to make.

But she was still afraid. She wondered what Devavrata would say if he knew of the sage and of her Krishna. And the thought of Krishna made her sad. She would not be able to see him again. But he had told her the last time that he would come to her whenever she needed him. All she needed to do was to send word to him.

Though the memory of those words comforted her, she still felt sad. Krishna hadn’t anticipated this parting any more than she had. And she would not be able to see him or call him to her at her whim. She was going to be a wife. More than that, she was going to be a queen. And she would not be able to indulge in whims for any personal gain.

The chariot lurched to a stop. Satya sat up, quaking, waiting for the chariot door to open. The door opened suddenly and for a moment she was blinded by the sunlight. A shadow filled the doorway and she shrank back in fear.

"Mother," it was that respectful voice again. "We have reached,"

She saw that he was holding out his hand respectfully. She placed her hand in his as he helped her alight.